It's Just Too Hard

I just don't think I can keep doing this job. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of the year...and it's only the end of January. The students at this school are completely out of control. They have all the power and we, the teachers, have none.

I stand at the front of the class and ask for their attention. They ignore me. We begin to practice our program. Students are chatting instead of singing. Some are rolling around on the floor. They tell me what they will and will not do.

No one has my back. No one cares that I'm drowning in here. No one notices. And if they do, it's just my fault because I'm not sharing my "expectations" correctly. I'm not figuring out how I can engage these kids on "the front end." What am I not doing that causes them to behave in the way that they do.

There are no consequences. A 2nd grader today through his tray of food over his head in the lunch room. He was in the ISS room for the rest of the day. No work. Nothing to do from the looks of it. And standing in the door flipping the light on and off. This wasn't his first offense. He ran from my room this morning. He ran from Griff's room yesterday. And every day he's back in class as though it's a whole new beginning.

I hate coming to school. I hate standing in front of these kids and feeling like a failure. I feel like they hate me. I'm so depressed. I started on an anti-anxiety. It's helping...but not with the depression. Seriously...I could stand on my head buck-naked and half of them wouldn't notice.

My principal is no help. She can't stand me and has already written me up this year. When can I start looking for a new job?

That Time Of year

Yeah...it's that time of year. The time of year when, the last few, I haven't been nearly so energetic or festive. This year was better for a bit. At least the tree and the stockings and stuff were up before Chris got home from college.

However, the house is still a big giant mess. I had a plan today. I was going to get up and get moving on that front room and get all the boxes put away. Well...it's 1:00 and I'm still sitting in bed. I'm still in my pajamas. I've eaten four cereal bars and some chips and two Diet Cokes. I suck.

I did call my doctor's office and make an appointment for next week. Whew! The shopping is done although nothing is wrapped or bagged. Which is just as well because you can't get to the Christmas tree anyway. James is off to a play. Chris and John are playing video games in the living room. I'm sitting in bed watching old episodes of Law and Order CI and feeling guilty and sorry for myself.

We went to a family Christmas party at Shelly's last night. Good food and good conversation overall. It felt festive and fun, but I find myself feeling jealous and/or embarrassed of my own circumstances. I have all these plans for how to make things better, but I just can't make myself do it. There's no incentive. No one cares. I can make myself go to training, but I can't make myself do anything else. I can make myself go to work, but during this holiday time...I have no "reason" to get up. It's just easier to lay here and eat and watch TV and play games. Then the guilt builds up more and it's even harder to get up. Sigh.

Maybe tomorrow?